佐儿の心领域

Why not writing?

2011-07-31T13:02:00.001+08:00

Some friends commented that I am no longer blogging because I am no longer moody. Is that really so? :)

Truth be told, I don't really know...

Happy New Year!

2010-12-27T16:14:00.003+08:00

My musings as I look back at the year just past, and look forward to the year ahead:

He seems so much happier with you in his life. I hope you will always be able to bring him so much joy...but if one day things should change, I will understand. I only ask that the pain be minimal...

I know I am grateful for the one in my life. :) You bring me the greatest comfort in ways only you know how. In the new year, I promise to get myself ready to bring you that 'little bundle of joy' you are so eagerly anticipating.

It has been a year filled with a lot of self-discovery...I have come to terms with myself & hence made peace with a lot. This, to me is a great personal achievement...at least I am no longer uncomfortable being just me. And I also realise not everything has to be perfect...it just is, and most times, just is can be good enough.

For the new year, I want loads of laughter...not only for me, but for all my loved ones. For joy in life is the greatest blessing!

2010-11-07T12:51:00.001+08:00

我要放宽心胸。

如果我们只是萍水相逢的两个人，我很肯定自己会想跟你好好交心做朋友。
既然如此，我不该犹豫。但在我行为上还存有偏差的时候，请明白，那是因为之间牵涉到对我非常重要的一个人。

但也就因为这个人对我而言有多么重要，我更要努力跨越自己心里的犹豫和猜疑。

My Emotional Roller Coaster

2010-11-06T14:30:00.002+08:00

"Life can be like a roller coaster...
And just when you think you've had enough, and you're ready to get off the ride and take the calm, easy merry-go-round...
You change your mind, throw your hands in the air and ride the roller coaster all over again.
That's exhilaration...that's living a bit on the edge...that's being ALIVE!"

- Stacey Charter (1999)

And I think, to a large degree, that's the way I really am. :)

Collecting my thoughts

2010-11-06T14:11:00.002+08:00

You said "Life is simple. Don't make it complicated."
There can be a lot of wisdom to these words. I hope you subscribe to this, and is not just merely paying lip service to a nice-sounding quote.

Mr Guru said that everyone has his own journey, and you must let him walk it.
I know this. Yet, knowing cannot alleviate the pain of seeing him stumble. I recognise that I am in no position to cushion any impact, yet, I cannot help but wish I have that ability. I cannot prevent him from falling, I may not even be able to catch him when he falls. But I will be here for him, comforting in whatever way I can.

Nothing hurts me more than when my loved ones hurt. Besides listening, I feel quite helpless most of the time...and most times, their pain & frustrations overwhelm me, so much so that I no longer know what to do. I know that a listening ear is probably all they need, but I always wish I can do much more. I push myself to understand, I push myself to do something to make things right. Irony of it all? Half the time, I too do not know what is right!

My significant other becomes my grounding force in times like this. He is always able to detach emotionally, and rationalise things. My years with him have taught me that emotional detachment is not always wrong...it does not mean I am cold or cruel. It just empowers me to make sound judgement calls. I am still learning, and he is my teacher...and I will always be grateful for his reassuring presence.

I don't have a magic wand. I don't have enough wisdom. But I have a heart filled with love for my nearest & dearest. So I pray not only for your happiness, but also that both you and myself have the strength to walk this journey.

Let's Bite It! :)

2010-10-03T13:40:00.002+08:00

人生有几个十年?
So let's just bite it and live in NOW. :)

Go for it now. The future is promised to no one. ~Wayne Dyer

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. ~Elbert Hubbard

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. ~Chinese Proverb

Hold on To Life's Dearest

2010-09-12T12:45:00.002+08:00

Hold on like you are never meant to let it go...

What is happiness?

2010-07-24T13:20:00.001+08:00

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

- Groucho Marx

眼泪为何流

2010-06-11T21:05:00.004+08:00

我一向顽固地认为工作场合不应该流露任何真情感，特别是眼泪。

但这3年以来，我打破了自己的"惯例"3次。

第一次是因为病人的儿子体贴我，让我非常感动。一场车祸影响了他的智商和行动，让他无法再正常生活。即便如此，他还是扛下照顾父母的责任，因为怕麻烦的兄弟姐妹早已弃他们而去。他找我想要寻求更多经济支助好度过难关，却从同事口中得知我因为结婚而请了长假。我联络他的时候是因为发现他们欠下治疗费用没还，才获知详情。问他为什么一直没有联络我，他说 "因为他们说你要结婚，不想跟你说这些不好的事。" 我感动得哭了。生活那么艰苦却不忘为他人着想。事情解决后，他还对我说自己正在努力复健，并学习技能，好早日可以恢复简单的工作，挣钱养家。

第二次是因为病人的女儿体现了无比的坚强。她有4名年幼的孩子，丈夫欠下了大笔债务，母亲病了，家公家婆年迈行动不便。这一切的担子，都由她一个人扛。同样的，其他兄妹已逃之夭夭。白天在诊所兼职，晚上老小的生活起居都由她打点。连债务大都是她一个人在扛，只因生意失败并无让她的先生学会脚踏实地。而她也只能咬紧压根，努力维持生活。谈话中，她表现得非常淡定。想要夺眶而出的眼泪也很快被她按捺。所以我又感动得哭了。

第三次是今天。获知同事患了癌症是三个月前的事。这期间有在她进行化疗之前探望过她，也偶尔互传简讯 - 不只我关心她，她也关怀我和我先生。虽然知道化疗会影响她的外表，却没有作好心理准备去面对。看她饱受艰熬，却仍努力地微笑，告诉身边人她很好，眼里却隐藏了许多不安和感慨，我心疼地哭了。痛哭了一场，才发现生了病的人或许脆弱，但更加勇敢。分手前，她坚定地说她很快要回来上班了。

眼泪如果可以因为生活上的感动而掉，我情愿。因为这意味着人间有情，我也有情。

My silver lining

2010-05-27T19:22:00.002+08:00

Plagued by nightmares recently...

But nothing beats his concern. A simple "How are you feeling today?" can make any bad day so much easier to bear.

Disappointment

2010-05-09T13:20:00.003+08:00

The following is an account of my disappointment.

My impression of Mr X was that he seemed like such a reasonable person. The whole encounter with him was not in any way unpleasant. I believed in goodwill, even with a stranger. The shock of realising he never meant anything he said, and had no qualms about double-crossing someone (me to be precise)...so I submitted my counter report along with supporting photographs. What will either of us stand to gain from this??

Mr X was in front of my vehicle entering Toa Payoh Lor 6 from slip road via Braddell Road. He had moved forward almost to the ERP gantry when he made a sudden stop. I e-braked but was not able to stop on time to avoid contact with his vehicle.

Both moved to the side of the road for vehicle inspection. There was no visible damage to both vehicles, but we exchanged particulars and contact numbers as a formality.

Mr X had initiated explanation on why he made a sudden stop, but did not complete his statement. He proceeded to introduce himself as working in AIG, even showing me his staff pass. He wanted the formal exchange and inspection to be brisk as he claimed to have an urgent meeting to attend, but also had to drop his father-in-law (his passenger) off before proceeding to work.

Both parties agreed at the point of inspection that there was no visible damage to both vehicles, and that no insurance claim would be necessary.

The part of my vehicle which came into contact with his vehicle was my number plate, extended from the plastic body kit. There are no dents/scratches on my number plate/body kit. The contact point was with the centre of his steel bumper. On observation, there were no dents or scratches to his bumper where contact had been made. I however observed some hairline cracks to the left of his bumper, which may have already been there previously, and hence took a photo of that as a record should any contention arise. Mr X also tested his brake lights, and they were established to be in working condition.

I was much taken aback to receive the claims letter (received on 7 May 2010) from AXA, dated 4 May 2010 (Ref: xxxxxxxx), as I had not heard from Mr X since the morning of the accident.

In view of the damages Mr X is now claiming, I would like proof that it had indeed been caused by the accident on 3 May 2010, at around 7.50am. Without which, he should not proceed to repair said damages, claiming against my insurance policy. This will be tantamount to abuse of insurance policy claims, and I reserve the right to seek legal recourse against such abuse.

Guess I can only blame myself for being gullible. He may not succeed in getting any compensation from my insurance, but he has succeeded in getting 10% of my NCD revoked due to failure to report.

Was it so difficult to pick up the phone and call to inform of your decision if you had indeed changed your mind for whatever reason? I know I would have made that courtesy call...wouldn't you?

I still want to believe that maybe he did not mean to...maybe he filed as a precaution but made a submission by mistake...maybe...maybe...maybe I am just too gullible!

得奖感言

2010-05-02T12:57:00.002+08:00

不是我得奖...是我的他。

颁奖典礼前，我对他说: "得奖固然是肯定，但得不到也不是否定"。
不是对他没有信心，只是不愿他承受太大的压力。我心里明白他在乎的不是别人的声音，而是自己给自己设定的目标。在别人眼里或许是又添了一面奖座而已。在他心里，每一个奖座见证了他一路的成长。他在乎的是这一份肯定。

成绩未揭晓前，我不停地祷告。不忍他会有遗憾。毕竟，他的热忱与坚持，我比谁都清楚。成绩揭晓那一刻，我是感动的。听到他的致谢词，我是欣慰的。很多时候，他对工作的投入让我怀疑他对我的在乎。深怕有一天，跟不上他的步伐。那天他说感谢太太，让我感觉他终于回头看了我一眼。能够记得回头找我，也应该不会不小心落了我吧!

好期待你的下一个突破。也希望你一直都会记得回头望一望我。

2010-04-18T13:20:00.005+08:00

"The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal."
Frank Pittman

"I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps."
Rocky

"What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility."
Leo Tolstoy

"When asked his secret of love, being married fifty-four years to the same person, he said, 'Ruth and I are happily incompatible.'"
Billy Graham

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
Mignon McLaughlin

and finally....

"The most important decision any of us make is who we marry. Yet there are no courses on how to choose a spouse. There’s no graduate department in spouse selection studies. Institutions of higher learning devote more resources to semiotics than love."
David Brooks, Advice to Graduates, NY Times, June 10, 2009

Pondering marriage and how it is supposed to work.

I always know I want my marriage to be good, I just do not always know how to make it good.

2010-04-10T16:22:00.002+08:00

If work keeps us fed, play keeps us laughing, love keeps us caring, and evil only keeps us strong.
It is a passion for living that holds it all together.
And in the end, your life will only burn as bright as that passion inside of you.

放宽心胸

2010-03-19T21:57:00.001+08:00

生命中有无数的可能，也有数不尽的遗憾。
我要用我无数的可能来抵制所可能产生的遗憾。

每个人都会犯错。重要的是如何承认，承担，与原谅。

感触

2010-03-12T22:40:00.006+08:00

最近其实有很多想法要分享，却因为不知从何说起，而迟迟未动"笔"。
今晚似乎整理出些头绪，所以也该是"分享"得时候。

最近颇为轰动一事应该就是某著名本地人的婚外情。这件事与我无关，但仍带动了我很多情绪。首当是开始质疑生为人妻的自己会不会有一天也沦落到如此下场。跟他询问的结果当然是换得他非常肯定的否认。但哪个偷情的男人会在被捉奸前承认自己犯罪?
有朋友指导不可让这样的想法埋伏在潜意识，因而酿出不必要的心病。但这却是很多人妻不由自主隐藏在心里的不安。
就这事，他也分享了感触。他说: 人往往只知道自己爬得多高，而忘了回头看看自己是怎么走过来。若忆起自己辛苦耕耘才获得成就，应该也会警惕自己三思而行吧!

再来就是越来越看不过许多孩子对年长父母的无礼。小时候，无论我们多吵多闹，嚷着要父母解答我们的一万个为什么，父母必定耐心教导。但为何长大成人的我们总轻易在年迈的父母面前露出不耐烦的情绪? 父母多问几句就会换来孩子的骂。如果自己也犯过，就提醒自己我们一声声的骂，字字犹如针般直接插进父母的心。孝顺的孩子不应该让父母伤心。

说到父母，难免让我想起与他们的关系。
我不爱念书。但完成学业是必然，因为清楚了解这是对我的基本要求。曾经负气地告诉自己只要念完就算是对父母有了交代。23岁的我，完成硕士学位，回国时，我体重仅剩39公斤。前来接机的母亲见到我，最关心的原来还是我的健康。文凭到手，才了解这只是他们给我的一个开始，而并非我给他们的一个终结。曾经说过多希望父母想起我时，是以我为傲。也渐渐开始相信我是个不赖的孩子。至少我开始懂得关心家人，而自己生活的中心也逐渐由朋友转移到家人身上。从父母眼中，也似乎看到了给于自己的肯定。这时的我不是应该很自满吗?从期待到得到，现有的心情却是不安 - 担心有一天走错一步会让他们失望。

这所有的感触‘灰灰’的，但不代表我看待人生的心情。我还是相信凭良知过生活，应该也不会错得太离谱。开开心心过每一天。

2010-03-05T22:08:00.000+08:00

怎么那么累? 哪里出了问题?

每天起床的那份愉悦为何总被疲惫取代。是自然现象，还是到了思考反省的时候?

好期待带着笑容起床，仍带着笑意入睡的痛快!

2010-02-21T13:03:00.000+08:00

Can someone show me how to relax and enjoy life? I seem to have lost pleasure to routine...

Emo CNY

2010-02-13T01:35:00.003+08:00

I was getting all psyched up for the new Chinese year. But as it approaches, I suddenly do not know how to embrace it.

The past week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I have had to re-visit some things I thought were buried in the past. I have had to seriously ask myself how to move forward hereon. Most importantly, I have had to ask the "Am I happy?" question.

Sometimes when we are on a 'high', somehow, something always happens to bring us crashing back down. Sometimes when we think we are never going to get out of a rut, then something always happens to pick things up a little. It is a little like yo-yo...a toy I was never any good at playing with anyway. Maybe that is also the reason why changes always hit me hard, and most times, hit me in a bad way.

I always wonder why life almost always seems like such a struggle. Day in day out, we are slogging our guts out just to live it. And at the end of it all, would I have really lived life??

两年。。。

2010-02-02T10:20:00.000+08:00

。。。走来并不完全轻松。但，我们还有更多的两年要携手过。

很多事情或许已改变，但不变的是互相扶持的真心。

非常沉浸于你给我的爱，更享受爱你的过程。

老公：结婚周年快乐！

解结

2010-01-20T21:10:00.001+08:00

今天我解了与一个人的结。原来放下真的让人更轻松!

为了什么产生的误会，谁对谁错，原来真的不再重要。

人与人之间相处本就会有摩擦。退一步想，那也是我们之间的火花。
两个人很难有相同理念，但至少可以互相包容。

友情或许难挽回，可是我们还能相互尊重。

Pillow Talk

2010-01-19T20:55:00.003+08:00

When he is a away, what keeps me 'company' is the smell from his pillow. Familiar and comforting. Some friends asked me today: "What smell? Sweat? Oil? Smelly?"
Well...it is just his smell. :)

For the past two days, I have been unable to sleep soundly, because the smell has become so faint. I wake up in panic and in tears, imagining once again, what it will be like to never have him by my side. Just the thought alone is scarily painful.

So I took it out on him when he called. I whined about him being away for so long. I said so much jibberish that even I could not make out what I was trying to express. But apparently he got it...he sms-ed saying "Love you dear...Will always love you".

Now why I am thinking about eventualities when it is not time yet...forgetting to enjoy the present!

2010-01-17T01:38:00.003+08:00

meinamejiandan.wma

A song that really touched me.

黄小琥 - 没那么简单
作词:姚若龙作曲:萧煌奇

没那麼简单就能找到聊得来的伴
尤其是在看过了那麼多的背叛
总是不安只好强悍
谁谋杀了我的浪漫

没那麼简单就能去爱别的全不看
变得实际也许好也许坏各一半
不爱孤单一久也习惯
不用担心谁也不用被谁管

感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话随便听一听自己作决定

不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上关上了手机舒服窝在沙发裡

相爱没有那麼容易每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麼容易才会特别让人著迷
什麼都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心所以最开心曾经

没那麼简单就能去爱别的全不看
变得实际也许好也许坏各一半
不爱孤单一久也习惯
不用担心谁也不用被谁管

感觉快乐就忙东忙西
感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话随便听一听自己作决定

不想拥有太多情绪
一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上关上了手机舒服窝在沙发裡

相爱没有那麼容易每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麼容易才会特别让人著迷
什麼都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心所以最开心曾经

相爱没有那麼容易每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麼容易才会特别让人著迷
什麼都不懂的年纪
曾经最掏心所以最开心曾经

想念最伤心但却最动心的记忆

Self-doubt

2010-01-12T20:26:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Sometimes I wonder if I am really living for me. Sometimes I wonder if there is a way to erase all the wrongs and make it happen right.

Most times, I end up acknowledging that this is but part and parcel of life, and all I can do is move on.

To quote a wise guy: When you experience self-doubt, don't just question the situation, question the doubt too.

2010 started with a little hiccup. Let the rest of the year be simple - not asking for easy, just simple.

tHis mUSt bE LOvE

2010-01-05T12:31:00.002+08:00

I was awakened one night in Krabi by buzzing mosquitoes. There were already welts on my arms where they had laid their stingers.

Woke him up to complain that I was being 'attacked'. He comforted me and told me to go back to sleep whilst he 'sorted them out'. This was 11pm.

He went back to sleep only at 3am. He was killing every single mosquito that came near me as I slept. He said he got about 5 of them. He only stopped when finally there was one that squished blood out, because that means he 'got' the one that was feasting on me.

*Hearts* :)

As always...

2009-12-15T16:48:00.006+08:00

...it has come to the time of the year where we start to reflect and also look ahead.

What have I achieved in 2009? Not sure really...but it was definitely not all bad. There were no major ups and downs, but at least, we are all safe and sound. Maybe I did not have fireworks in my life over the past year, but surely, if I look deep enough, I should have gotten something out of the almost-365 days. Become wiser perhaps? :)

I should do a check of my new year resolutions from the beginning of the year (posting on Dec 29 2008):

1) I want to be kinder. Well...i tried
2) I want to eat and sleep well. Check
3) I want to contemplate exercise. I am still contemplating..haha!
4) I want a healthier work-life balance. Check
5) I want to go for regular massages. Did not achieve this one
6) I want to smile at least three times a day and laugh at least once a day. Sigh!
7) I want to make my husband proud. Yes! :)
8) I want to make my parents even prouder. I hope so...
9) I want to cook one meal for my husband before the end of 2009. Oops! Clean forgot
10) I want to keep in touch more often with loved ones. Check

I think I did not fare too badly.

Most importantly, I am a lot more comfortable being just me, and being Mrs Tan. :)
The best thing he did for me this whole year was to tell me: "Don't know why I love you, but I know I do love you very much." Not spoken in the most romantic manner, but the sincerity was there, and for me, more than good enough.

Moving ahead to the new year, I will keep the same resolutions. Simple resolutions, simple life. Keeping everything simple = happiness/bliss.

So my resolution for 2010 in a nutshell? KEEP IT SIMPLE! :)

2009-12-13T12:54:00.000+08:00

We are expecting a new addition to our family...and no...it is not a baby. :)

2009-11-29T12:21:00.002+08:00

A friend wrote that maturity is also about learning how to smile through your tears.

The heavy downpour this morning was like the opening of floodgates, unleashing all our adult pent-up emotions.

The sunshine now is a reflection of the old saying "Sunshine after the rain". Isn't life like this? It will rain on us some days, but we can rest assured in the knowledge that the sun will always be shining bright after. :)

As the sun dries up the puddles the rain has left on the ground, it also warms our hearts and heals our souls, as we choose to live out a more positive tomorrow.

Little Miss Sunshine...

2009-11-27T17:56:00.002+08:00

...cannot shine because it will not stop raining.

Twice in the week, I encountered children asking how long a patient will survive on dialysis. One said "They seem to live forever! They will drain our savings." Another said "I have to keep spending all this money until the day she dies".

Well...when you were born, I am sure it was in an atmosphere filled with joy and anticipation. Bringing you up was no easy task, and surely, your parents never thought that you would be 'draining' them until the day they die.

Why do we grow up to become such selfish people? As your parents have brought you up, you may one day be bringing up your own. After all that you have given, do you expect your children to turn on you and wish that your existence will not inconvenience them? Yet...if you treat your parents this way, should you not expect your children to do the same to you?

It is with this feeling of disgust and sadness that I ended my week. And then with all the rain, it is just more depressing. Why do we only give to expect something in return?

2009-11-10T20:59:00.001+08:00

你到底有没有羞耻心?
礼义廉耻会写吗? 不用学写。学念就好!

再伤害我家人我就不放过你的家人。

我不曾恨过一个人。若让我恨你，真不知道我会对你作什么!

Maternal instinct

2009-11-06T21:29:00.003+08:00

Had a really strong urge today...

I stopped at a traffic light and there was a little girl looking out through the rear window of the car in front. She smiled and waved. Emotions overwhelmed me as I thought to myself "What if she was mine?"

Maybe I am almost ready. :)

心痛

2009-11-01T18:58:00.001+08:00

看着年纪仅27岁的她，已经经历了那么多，真的很难过。
叙述家里状况的同时，她眼里泛着泪光。我真的希望自己有能力把她的泪水拭去。

也很久没有一个人让我如此动情。

很想对她说"加油"。但这对她根本没有帮助。。。

2009-10-22T16:23:00.001+08:00

冷漠有时候并不是无情

只是一种避免被伤害的工具

A Nasty Jolt

2009-10-18T12:09:00.002+08:00

I had tried to cast this memory away...wanting to 'case closed' as my boss had put it.
But the feeling of dejection just will not go away.

I had attended to a patient's son some days ago. This family left an impression on me because one of the sons held a senior management position in an established hotel along Scotts Road. The family was able to qualify for charity subsidy as the 2 other sons were low-income blue-collar workers, and the family had many dependents. This son was the only one who had made good, and was a high-flyer career-wise. He was staying in a private condominium with his wife and children, whilst his parents, his 2 brothers, his brother's wife, and their 4 children were housed together in a 5-rm HDB.

This son, we shall call him Mr E, came across as a confident, and domineering person. Throughout my session with him, he fired questions at me, and commands at his younger brother. Mr E often cut me mid-sentence either with a question, or completed my sentences for me. I read this as him being in a hurry to 'get it over with'. Hence, I tried to speed up my presentation.

Anyone knowing me personally, would know that I have been nursing a cough for the last few months. This has affected me somewhat, because coupled with the surgical mask I had on, I found it difficult to breath, often choking up and breaking out into fits of coughing. I had devised a method of breathing and keeping my sentences short and my voice low in order to minimise/control my coughs.

The day before I encountered Mr E, I was on MC, with a cough, throat infection and flu. I returned to work that day still on a cocktail of medications that had rendered me slightly groggy. An hour after our meeting, his feedback form came through, and Mr E had complained that although I was thorough in my explanation, he did not like my voice, as he felt it was 'cold and flat'.

I was shocked. I had apologised for my coughing, and he knew I was unwell. Yet, he had made such a comment on me. I was angry. You come to us asking for a subsidy, when financially, you are better off than so many others. You bark commands at your burly brother, causing him to squirm in his seat, and me having to look away and pretend not to witness this. You with so little respect for people around you, probably felt I did not bootlick high-flying you enough, and decided to drop a negative feedback form on me.

When contacted with regards to his comments, he told my boss that he had no complaints with my professionalism, just he did not like my voice. Well, Mr E, I do not like being unwell too. If I had a choice, I would much rather be holed up at home, than straining my voice to talk to patient after patient, applicant after applicant. Mr E claims that his hotel has a high standard of service and hence he had expected to be accorded such a standard as well.

Well Mr E, that afternoon, you did not walk through the glass doors of a 5-star hotel (his hotel is not 5-star by the way). And if you want to talk about service, I want to talk about empathy. You conceded witnessing that I was unwell, yet you expected me to talk to you in a sing-song voice. And what about filial piety? If you really want face, then maybe you ought to give more within your means to your parents. And Mr E, I know about service...it has to come from the heart. Do you have one?

碎碎念

2009-10-02T22:03:00.001+08:00

思念换不回已逝去的一切.

要分清楚: 留下来并不代表剥夺了其他. 只意味着命运真的非在人类掌控中.

试着放下, 或许真能活得更开心!

No mood...

2009-09-20T13:08:00.004+08:00

...because hubby has been out-stationed recently. It is the first time we are separated since marriage, and it is astonishingly difficult to sleep at night when he is not next to me - I mean, considering that for a good 28 years of my life, I have been sleeping alone anyway.

It left me thinking...maybe I want to leave this world before him. Because life without him is simply impossible to endure.

珍惜眼前人

2009-09-06T12:40:00.000+08:00

当有一天你回过头想跟他说一声你有多爱他的时候, 他或许已经不在. 那时候的你, 只有遗憾.

人与人的相处, 本来就是一个需要终生摸索的学问. 但, 这份摸不透也是让人与人之间产生美妙关系的泉源. 每一个经历都是刻骨铭心. 不管带来的是伤感或是愉快, 我们都该抱着宽容的心, 感恩的情, 去接受一个人在我们生命中的记载.

没有一个经历是白费的. 生活中的每一个经验都能造就未来的我们. 它应该让你看清自己, 珍惜自己所仍然拥有的一切. 若有怨恨, 也只是因为你想得不够透彻而已. 静下心来, 自省 – 问问自己如何把不足补到足维持. 不要浪费经验所能带给你的启发.

放下自己, 多多关心身边人. 他快乐, 你自然也会快乐.

PRCs

2009-08-25T18:50:00.006+08:00

Just returned from a trip to Hainan - Hawaii of the East...except I was not there to take in this exotic destination as a tourist.

The purpose of my trip will not be related in this post, as it should be in a totally different tone from what I am about to share.

PRCs do not believe in queueing. Their idea of joining a queue is from the middle. Their ability to ignore the protests and insults hurled from the long line behind them is simply amazing.

PRCs also do not believe in talking. They have to yell. I started off thinking everyone seems to be in such a bad mood, then realised they were merely engaged in conversation.

PRCs do not believe in flushing. Then again, my experience with their flushing system (where there is one in place) makes me wonder if perhaps they merely realise there is no point. Everything comes floating back up - if you are lucky - or better still, overflows from the toilet bowl and surges onto the floor.

PRCs love to spit and fart, regardless of their proximity from you. When something wet lands on you, pretend it is sticky holy water. When a string of air bubbles comes straight into your face, pretend it is an alternative sort of aromatherapy.

PRCs do not believe in bins. Ask where to dispose your rubbish, and they will point to the floor.

PRC cabin attendants are trained not to smile. They are not angry with you. They just subscribe to robotic service.

To all PRCs: Your motherland is developing at an amazing speed. It is time to also upgrade yourselves, practise civilisation, and launch a courtesy campaign!

I end by sharing with you, souvenirs from my trip.

These are but a sample of the 'souvenirs' I received courtesy of mozzies and sandflies.

rAnT & RAvE

2009-08-14T14:50:00.001+08:00

I am wondering why some people can be so fake. Considered whether to blog about it, but then that would be glorifying some idiots and tainting my sanctuary here. So instead of writing about them, I will focus on my own thoughts, and what these idiots have enlightened me about what NOT to be!

NEVER BE RUDE. It serves no purpose and only makes yourself and your parents look bad.

NEVER BE FAKE. Because that is not being true to yourself and honestly, people around you can tell.

NEVER MAKE EXCUSES. This only means that you are not mature/brave enough to face up to your own mistakes.

NEVER DO HARM ONTO OTHERS. What goes around, comes around.

NEVER REACT EMOTIONALLY. The workplace is where you fulfill duties in exchange for some dough. It is not a place for you to 交心.

NEVER BE UNPROFESSIONAL. This is the surefire way to ensure all respect for you is lost.

NEVER ENGAGE IN IDLE CHATTER. It definitely is not one of your KPIs, and is the best way to expose yourself to making all the other mistakes listed above.

On this note, I resolve to never be like you, because you are simply everything I do not like in a person.

Maybe I am just preaching

2009-08-02T16:44:00.003+08:00

I see no sense in you doing what you do. I see no meaning in you 'indulging' the way you do. Is this some futile attempt at proving your worthiness to no one else, but only yourself? If so, the judgemental side of me will say ''So sad''.

Or maybe it is just me. Maybe I am the one who has changed. Maybe I am the one who no longer makes sense to you.

这是在花钱买幸福吗? 那请深思幸福的定义. 不要失去后才来后悔.

Simplicity will do very well for me, thank you!

For mums, mums-to-be and anyone who can still appreciate their mums!

2009-07-29T17:09:00.002+08:00

*Quoted text*

A baby asked God, 'They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?'

God said, 'Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.'

The child further inquired. 'But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy.' God said, 'Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy.'

Again the child asked, 'And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?' God said, 'Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.'

And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?' God said, 'Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray.'

'Who will protect me?' God said, 'Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life.'

'But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.' God said, 'Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you.'

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, 'God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name.' God said, 'You will simply call her, 'Mommy.'

mOnDaY bLUes came early

2009-07-26T13:12:00.002+08:00

I suspect I am allergic to Mondays. I wake up on Sundays feeling dread...simply because I know at the end of the day, will be the dreaded arrival of Monday.

Saturdays are always great. It is the only day of the week where I really have no care in the world. It is always about leisure, pleasure, family and friends. Speaking of friends, this Saturday was great simply because we all got to see RH again (*I am writing this on account of the fact that he claims he will be a more faithful reader from now on*). Although the meeting was brief, and he will be off almost as suddenly as he arrived back, it was still great to see the same old him, and be reminded that there are some things in life that never change - eg. his penchant for suppers. So until the next time we meet again, take care!

Back to the subject of Mondays. I am beginning to tire of this feeling of dread, and am seriously pondering how to overcome it. Obviously, one cannot change the order of the week, or the passing of the days. So once again, it boils down to me having to change my mindset.

Why do I dread Mondays? Because I am not happy at work.
Then why do I still go to work? Honestly, I have no idea, other than the fact that I fear becoming a 'useless' person. I fear losing my independence.

That said, according to this motivational guru that I recently got to know, I have to 'find peace within myself'. I have to focus on the reason why I do certain things, and apparently, this will negate all other insignificant influences in my subconscience. Well...if I do not trust the words of a guru, whom else can I trust? :)

Hence, for the new week, I am embarking on the journey to find peace within myself. I need to clearly segregate the important from the unimportant. Let the insignificant R.I.P. lol

你

2009-07-20T22:43:00.002+08:00

你的魔力真大!

听到你愿意勇敢地踏出一步, "摆脱"阴霾, 放下过去所有的不愉快; 刹那间, 缠绕着自己许久的乌云也逐渐散去.

你的快乐对我来说是多么可贵. 只要你不停地前进, 我也会不停地跟随你的步伐. 加油! 无论结局是什么, 我一定陪你.

Ms S's Encounter with Solid Waste (Her Own)

2009-07-19T12:29:00.003+08:00

She is now officially part-time janitor at The Yard.

I am not a quitter!

2009-07-15T20:25:00.003+08:00

Faced with adversity, happiness can still be a choice.

This is something I am teaching myself, and so far, I am doing good.

Being clever (yes...I think I can call myself clever :P) can be a burden, because your brain often naturally works overtime to sort out all the nitty-gritties in life. But moving on from merely being clever, it is more important to be wise.

Wise people will know that there are so many things which will be just so. Thinking too hard will not change anything. Being able to take it all in stride, and turning everything to your own advantage is the real measure of one's strength.

I want to not only be able to think. I want to be able to make choices independent of negativity. To be happy can be a choice.

If I may be allowed to make a belated birthday wish, I want to wisen up and make positive choices in my life! Positivity will be my key to all the best life has to offer.

Lost No More!

2009-07-12T13:53:00.003+08:00

This is my latest toy, and boy am I glad to have it. I have officially changed the brand of my navigator from 'BFF' to 'Papago'.

According to BFF, it is like my 'ticket to everywhere'. No more panic attacks when I cannot decide which part of the island I have driven to...no more SOS calls to BFF for directions...no more declining invitations simply cos' I know I will never be able to make my way there without getting lost...no more fights with hubby in the car when he fails to check out road signs faster than my speed of going past crucial junctions.

GPS is a great invention. Have tried it for a day so far, and I have absolutely no complaints. It even prompts me when I am exceeding the speed limits. :) It continues to map your route even in a tunnel, and the 3D images are just amazing. Definitely bimbo-proof.

Only drawback is, this gadget does not speak Singlish. The pronounciation of some street names are so hilarious, it distracts me a little from driving as I need to laugh. It is however able to give instructions in Hokkien, which is good for my ah beng hubby.

So to all those frustrated drivers out there, dump the conventional street directory, and go get yourself a GPS Navigator!

谢谢!

2009-07-07T20:40:00.001+08:00

老公问我: “妳的朋友不多, 可是为什么每年过生日都会切那么多蛋糕?” 说真的, 我也不晓得. 不是 ‘好脸’...而是真的没有思考过.

我想: 或许我的朋友真的不多. 但, 我真心交往. 我或许不会交际应酬, 但朋友有困难时, 我一定尽所能...哪怕所能作的只是聆听而已. 因为我坚信, 幸福的时候, 朋友一定乐在其中. 我也不会计较, 就让他们尽情享受吧! 但遇到挫折的时候, 他们身边或许少了个可以倾诉并扶持他们的人. 这时候有人愿意伸出友情之手, 不才是他们需要的吗?

感谢你们的礼物. 因为它不单只是个物品而已. 它透露了你们对我的了解与真诚的祝福.
我感受到, 也感动, 也珍惜.

老公今年也改了以往的沉闷. 竟然同BFF为我精心策划了一场惊喜. 我真的很以外, 也很开心. 你们一直为我付出...我知道. 感谢所有冒着雨, 陪我烤肉的朋友. 辛苦你们了!

所以朋友们: 快乐的时候, 要珍惜享受. 不快乐的时候, 请到我怀抱.
我一直都会以真心来回报你们的祝福!

生日礼物

2009-07-03T21:44:00.000+08:00

当我老公还在苦恼要送我什么生日礼物的时候, 我想对他说: “你已经送了一份很好的礼物给我了.” 老公升级了. 这是他努力多时, 期盼许久的成绩. 我要恭喜他, 也要叮咛他继续努力 – 因为这是你的另一个起点. 最后, 不忘提醒他对他背后的女强人好一点哦!

你的努力我看得见. 你的付出我感受得到. 你的辛苦我尽力分担. 你的快乐我们一起享受.

Chest Pains

2009-07-02T17:31:00.002+08:00

I have been putting up with on and off chest pains for the past 3 weeks.

Initially, I dismissed it as merely strain from bad sleeping position. Then the pain started to get more sharp, and I thought maybe it is my old injury acting up. (I injured my upper back quite badly when I was still working as a flight attendant. Lifting a heavy load without practising the correct posture is a definite no-no!)

Today, on my way in to work, I sneezed and the pain in my chest was so excruciating that I stopped dead in my tracks and bent over trying to catch my breath. I tried to dismiss it again...again...and again...throughout the day. But even taking deep breaths was becoming difficult.

After a talk with BFF, I decided to take heed and see a doctor. He is certain there are no fractures, and is hopeful it may just be a bad muscle strain. I am currently on painkillers and muscle relaxants, and hopefully, the pain will ease in a couple of days. *fingers crossed*

Hubby told me flatly "Take care of yourself can? You are 30 already." So much for comfort.

Thanks to all those who have shown concern. I will be well soon!

Mummy

2009-06-30T19:31:00.004+08:00

I was driving to work today, when I suddenly thought about my mum.

Two nights ago, I had a serious case of colic. Hubby was trying to pacify me, but all I could do was squat on the floor and wail endlessly "Call my mum. I want my mummy." Hubby just looked at me in amusement and asked what I wanted my mum to do for me. I told him, quite frankly I do not know, but I think she will be able to ease my pain. Anyway, we ended up not calling anyone, and my hysterics ended when I drifted off to sleep.

Mummy was there for so many of my firsts. From infancy...to my first step...to my first words. And then she was there when I first fell in love, and subsequently out of love. She was there when I first contemplated marriage. She was there when me and then-boyfriend (now hubby!) bought our first car. She even went to the extent of going car accessory shopping with me.

And she will continue to be there for many many of my firsts. I am so happy to have you in my life...my mother...my friend.

闲话

2009-06-28T12:37:00.000+08:00

我的老公对我说: 娱乐圈是圆的, 所以称为 “圈”. 言下之意是待人处事都切记everything will come full circle. 其实在任何一个社交圈也应是如此. 很多人可以为了 “名钱权” 争个你死我活. 仗着自己目前处于高峰而咄咄逼人. 对于这样的人, 只能说 – 小心karma.

人生总有起落. 人间也一定有分离. 两个人无缘一起走下去, 其实谁对谁错, 谁辜负了谁, 真的重要吗? 我认为认清事实就好. 而我所谓的事实, 也就是认清你们之间的缘分已尽. 人必须接受结果. 过程固然重要, 但也不要思索之间的对与错. 接受结局, 让过程成为过去式, 让自己重新出发. 结局没有办法改变, 过程也不应该成为包袱.

A little bit of everything

2009-06-14T12:52:00.003+08:00

I went to watch Mark Lee's talkshow with hubby and BFF. Although I confess that I could not relate to all of it, due to my limited grasp of Hokkien. Nonetheless, it was still very entertaining, so much so that I am wondering if my current chest pains are due to all the laughing.

Much as we may not want to admit it, there is a little bit of Mark Lee in all of us. He is so 'localised', and almost an epitome of the average Singaporean. In his words, there are some of us who may 'want to act class' and deny this part within ourselves. But at the end of the day, whether you are a frequent traveller, and hence been enlightened by the ways of the rest world; or you have been lucky enough to have been educated overseas, and hence be able to proudly tag yourself as a 'potato', complete with a mysteriously acquired twang - you are still born and bred a Singaporean.

So I am glad I caught the show, but not proud of the fact that it took me a good 40mins to finally relax and just burst out in laughter, instead of keeping it all in and causing myself internal injury.

Then there is this reflection on my biological clock. I honestly feel that I am not ready for motherhood, and may be guilty of cooking up a million and one seemingly logical reasons to postpone the onset. But I am also not blind to the fact that my significant other is abundantly overflowing with fatherly instincts. He moves towards babies faster than I have seen him go after a football. He goes ga-ga even more so than the time he first laid eyes on me. He is even beginning to mock-up scenes of himself interacting with a baby.

All these are a little overwhelming for me, considering that when I first knew him, he was not even contemplating marriage. I am a little touched that he has grown as a man, and a part of me wants to credit this change to myself - after all, it must be my presence in his life that has instilled these emotions in him.

I was listening to a conversation between friend and hubby. They were discussing the 'sale' of Ronaldo to Real Madrid. Friend commented that 'just because you put all the good players together on the same team, does not mean they will perform well'. How true! Not just pretaining to football, but also to the makeup of various groups in society.

A classic example would be in the office. No doubt we all have our individual merits and strengths. But when the team is not structured such that one's shortcoming is complemented by another's strength, it will only result in greater frustration, resulting from a lot of unnecessary combustion. It tires one out, and over time, erodes all qualities of all members, and what is left, is a lacklustre attitude towards the job.

So boss. Don't come to me and ask me why so-and-so has decided to resign...I think my frank answer would hurt you.

I end on this note, because if I were to go on, I risk becoming a picture of the average Singaporean who will just rant and rave, but all talk and no action. After all, I too have seen the world, and spent a good many years living in a more westernised = superior environment. So I should have more sense, no?

身为人妻

2009-06-05T18:54:00.000+08:00

小鸟依人我作不到.
但我会是一个成功男人背后的女强人!

jUst nOT yET

2009-05-17T12:25:00.002+08:00

I went from perhaps to why not...

Then from why not to for sure...

Then from for sure to am I sure...

Now...I think just not the time yet...

It is a big decision in life, and I am just not ready. I would like to know how to get ready.

Any advice?

Sat night is a tad different now

2009-05-10T12:46:00.003+08:00

It is amazing how some people can become so important to me without my actually realising it.

Time heals a lot of things. Time also creates a lot of things.

It was so easy to take you for granted, never realising the void your absence can cause in my life. The irony is that perhaps with time, the void will be filled...or it may simply become an existence that is a natural (read: taken for granted) part of my life.

But for now, we are all really missing you. Sat night is hardly the same without you.

Not so updated updates :P

2009-05-03T16:28:00.007+08:00

There were pictures that I had snapped on my mobile, meaning to post it here, but somehow I never got round to it. So shall do it now...

First up is Valentine's Day.

There were these gorgeously furry roses that Hubby delivered to my office. Pleasant surprise, though also a tad embarrassing.

But at least he is still springing surprises for now!

Then there was this pretty dessert that came as a surprise after our nice western-style, typical V-Day dinner.

Then there is this picture I snapped for pure amusement.

Remember that strong gust of wind that swept through Singapore some weeks back?

Well, laundry went flying (well..at least those who love to dangle their washing beyond their compound), and this neighbour's T-shirt has been sitting on the ledge ever since.

I had some fly into my yard area, and being the civic-minded me, I actually sent the laundry mishaps to the management office, neatly folded, and hangers still attached. :)

Now I am happy having made sure that my little photography projects have not gone to waste.

Then & Now

2009-05-02T15:41:00.002+08:00

I did a little tally-up of how my life has changed after I went from single to married:

Then: Buying a new toy (read designer bag or latest tech gadget) at least once a month.

Now: Buying a new toy once every few months.

Then: Must get that manicure done before the party this weekend.

Now: No point getting that manicure this weekend, as bedsheets must be changed.

Then: Hang out in Orchard every waking moment not at work.

Now: Hang out at home to recuperate from work.

Then: Spending hours on end at a cafe sipping latte is just so zen.

Now: Those precious few hours can be used to finish the pile of laundry at home.

Then: Nevermind the water stains on the bathroom mirror, maid will clean tomorrow.

Now: Better wipe off the water stains on the bathroom mirror, maid only comes on Sunday.

Then: The night is always still young, should catch a movie or go karaoke or have a nice dinner.

Now: Better get home to do some cleaning and sleep early so can wake up early for work.

Then: The whole bedroom should be pink and girly.

Now: Would this bedsheet insult hubby's manhood?

:) To sum up, married life can be so mundane and boring. But it can also mean I 'jump out' of myself and take a good look at the people around me who matter.

Remember

2009-05-01T17:22:00.002+08:00

I wrote this in my blog on Thursday, January 15, 2009

倘若有一天我走了, 千万不要难过.
请把我们共同拥有的回忆当作我送给你的礼物.
这也将是我生命最完美的句点.

xxx 佐儿 @ 20:47

As we get hit by the swine, we all have to take it to heart that protecting ourselves and our loved ones is our personal responsibility.

At this time, besides the barrage of precautions I am implementing on myself and my family, I also realise it is so important to always tell the people around you how much they mean to you. We are so vulnerable, not knowing when the next virus, bug or car will hit us.

All healthcare workers are working overtime to ensure the full precautionary measures are in place. They are drained physically and mentally, and this means their immunity is lower, and they are more vulnerable. This is irony, considering that they are also better equipped than the man on the street.

Let's all take this time to extend our love by enouraging everyone around us to take heed. Let's also take this time to once agin reaffirm our ties with those that matter...cos' life is really unpredictable and time is so precious.

你怎麼看自己

2009-04-25T13:42:00.000+08:00

「我只看我所有的，不看我所沒有的.」
我喜歡這樣的人生觀，很健康也很愜意！

幸福，不在於您擁有多少事物，乃在於您用怎樣的態度去看待。
享受自己現下所擁有的一切, 若是能這樣，即便您看似一無所有，也能比那些大富豪或身體健壯…但整天愁眉苦臉的人們更快樂、更富有。

什麼時候您才會關心自己的健康？可能就是當醫生對您說您的身體機能已經壞透了的時候；

什麼時候您才會認真考慮顧客的需要？可能是您的生意一落千丈的時候；

什麼時候您才會分配很多時間給那剛踏入青少年期的子女？可能就是在知道他們犯了事要受懲罰的時候；

什麼時候您才會真正記掛您所愛的人，學會珍惜？可能是不能再見到她或者她要離你而去的時候；

什麼時候您才會思考生命的可貴？可能是一個親友去世，您參加他葬禮的時候。

*quoted text*

siMpLE liTTLe pLeAsuRE

2009-04-19T14:18:00.005+08:00

I came home one night last week, totally exhausted and drained from work. All I wanted was to take a hot shower and crawl into bed.

Then I saw this, and it drew a smile from deep within my heart.

Yes. Life should really be made up of more simple little pleasures like this.

Ready to forget?

2009-04-09T09:13:00.004+08:00

Life still goes on...

He has been like this from Day 1, you walked in with your eyes wide open.

The thing about life is, it is always easier to adapt than to change. And it is always easier to not let yourself down, than to hope that someone else will not let you down.

So on this note, have a great long weekend ahead everyone! :) Life is as positive as we make it out to be!

She is so hurt she has lost all rationality...

2009-04-08T17:25:00.004+08:00

...and even after losing her sanity, she is sure her message has still not gotten across to you.

She has told you before to know your own schedule, if need be, write it down. If you said can, then tell her cannot, that is letting her down. She does not think this editing slot just popped up out of nowhere. She has said the same thing over and over. She has tried to be tolerant/understanding time after time…that is why this time she does not really know what to say.

She just wants you to think. Your wife:
1) Holds a full-time job
2) Takes care of the house
3) Takes care of your daily living
4) Puts herself second to everything and everyone else

Yet she goes home half the week to an empty house. She is given hopes that are dashed almost as soon as they are given. She is left with no outlet other than her Facebook and blog. She is slogging 24-7 each day and still regarded as having achieved nothing.

She is beginning to believe it is not worth it. Not for you...not for anyone else.

And for you info, she knows your watch is out of battery. She was going to get it sorted out tomorrow so you can wear your watch again. But now she is thinking twice. Her back is hurting badly cos' she fell yesterday. Did you know? No…because by the time you got home, she had already taken care of herself and put herself to sleep.

And her phone never rang even once.

What Brand New Day??!!

2009-04-08T09:18:00.002+08:00

My foot!

I woke up today telling myself it is a brand new day, so everything can be on a clean slate, and I should feel good about TODAY!

I came into the office and find there are people who have preserved their brains and sent them into hibernation mode. So it is "clean up their mess...clean up their mess...clean up their MESS!"

I used to say such people have peas for brains. Now I stand corrected. They are not using their brains at all, so this makes them BRAIN DEAD!!! This is not an existence at all. You are really better off not living life!

心里有话不吐不快

2009-04-07T21:28:00.001+08:00

很少有失眠的感觉, 但今晚有.

尽管我再努力, 不够格就是不够格! 对或错该如何评价, 好与坏该如何取舍?

一个人的价值难道不是单凭真心付出就能评定?

真实有时候真能让原本坚定的人变成弱者.

吐完了, 但心情也不见得轻松多少.

Hypocrisy...

2009-04-07T19:21:00.003+08:00

...is a crime we are all guilty of at some point in our lives.

On a personal note, I think it is a tiring existence, as well as a tiresome phenomenon. Gone are the days where black and white were mere colours. Without meaning to, we find ourselves sucked into this cruel game. It erodes the essence of the human soul, and renders you unhappy and a possible candidate for retribution. Yet, if you back out of the game, you may also unwittingly end up the only loser.

But a friend said to me, that all I have to do is block it out. Say/do the bare minimum, and when people around realise they provoke no reaction from you, then they also lose interest in engaging you as a player. After all, no one wants to be part of a game that ain't any fun.

Also read somewhere that when going forward becomes too hard, then turn around and walk backwards towards your goals. This is what I should do for now...walk backwards cos' I do not have eyes at the back of my head, and can see no evil that way.

If only...

感慨

2009-04-05T19:35:00.001+08:00

是生活改变了你，还是婚姻改变了我？

朋友！曾几何时我已经不清楚如何经营我们的关系。

或许我只能等待冬天的到来。因为到了那个时候，你就会期待阳光。

i WaNT!!!

2009-03-17T11:45:00.002+08:00

Need I say more?

This one in pink please...

fRen iN nEEd

2009-03-13T08:52:00.003+08:00

There are many superficialities in life we can really do without.
Yet, at some point in our lives, we are all guilty of this crime...to a certain extent.

There are many pretences that we should not make ourselves put up.
I am not being judgemental here, after all, the world has to be made up of all sorts. We can only, to the best of our own souls, be true to ourselves.

Maybe I seem very distant at times. Maybe I seem not to care at times. Maybe I do not make a lot of effort to put up a 'show'. But one thing I can say for sure - the day that you are really in need of a friend, I will be there.

看山是山

2009-02-22T13:45:00.001+08:00

一位才艺比赛的评判讲了一番发我深思的话:
“刚开始, 我们看山是山, 非常享受. 过了一些时候, 我们看山不是山, 怎么也不能越过. 有些人在这个时候会败下来. 但有些人却选择硬闯, 怎样都要越过去. 成功过后, 就会看山又是山. 而这时的自己才能充分享受并胜任所处的每一件事.”

这番话似乎也映射了人生. 儿时的我们无忧无虑, 过着饭来张口的日子. 天真无邪. 但成长的过程中, 我们逐渐了解世界并非如此单纯, 一切不见得顺心如意. 但经过一番寒刺骨, 勇于面对并跨越生活中的重重困难, 就会有出头的一天. 就算没能光宗耀祖, 至少自己心里能多了一份踏实 – 至少在这一生, 我们都曾努力过.
从人生的历练中成长, 步入成熟阶段的我们应该可以生活得更实在.

现阶段的我在很多方面都处于 “看山不是山” 的阶段. 我不能埋怨, 只能庆幸自己有机会经历于成长. 更要提醒自己咬紧牙根, 因为熬过去我才能享受梅花扑鼻香.

To blog or not to blog

2009-02-12T20:59:00.002+08:00

There was an article in ST recently that blogging has become 'unfashionable'.

My question is - since when has blogging ever been a measure of how 'in' you are? Not for me anyway. It has always been therapeutic for me to write without much qualms about what responses I may get. It is a luxury I can never enjoy through regular conversations with people.

Yet, I notice friends around me who have written their 'final entry', bidding farewell to the blogging world. Perhaps for some, it really is about doing something for the sake of fitting in. I can only say if that were to be the case, then it is about time you started to think about what you can do for yourself. Or rather, are you doing something because you really enjoy it?

This is a question which has plaqued me a lot lately. How does one strike a balance between doing what you like to do, and doing what you want to do? I think one never really achieves that balance, because as humans, it is only natural that we tend to experience desires to always better our situations/ourselves.

I say to myself: Why not let it be? What is beyond me will always be so. What I already have may never always be mine. :)

Timeline in my heart

2009-02-04T08:28:00.001+08:00

I have a timeline in my heart.

No doubt we are bound by the practicalities of life. But more importantly, life is about the moment more than anything.

There is no point in it if you no longer see the point.

2-2-2009 的第一个祝福

2009-02-02T18:16:00.000+08:00

简单的一个简讯, 却传送了你所有的祝福与情谊.

我收到了. 也非常感动. 更深深地体会每一年的这个时候, 你心里可能会浮现的感触.
毕竟原本我们俩都应该同时得到幸福, 但...
我仍相信你是因祸得福. 也真心期盼你很快会有寄托和属于你的幸福.

今天的第一个祝福来至你, 让我心里非常暖.

你的祝语, 我要永远保存:
Happy 1st anniversary ***!
Thank you for always being there tho u dun live with us.
Here’s wishing u a happy marriage.
I know ******* will take v good care of u.

2-2-2008...

2009-02-01T13:19:00.003+08:00

...the day we got married.

2-2-2009 is our first wedding anniversary.

Thanks for the past year dear. I am not going to say it was all smooth sailing cos' life ain't exactly a bed of roses.

My wish is that what we did not do so well for the past year, we will strive to improve in our years to come.

I renew my vows:

我送你这枚戒指，
作为我们结婚的信物。
我答应对你忠实,
用一生来守护今天的承诺,
永远爱着你。
我愿意嫁给你。

2009-01-28T13:43:00.000+08:00

没有暴饮暴食, 也没有熬夜, 但大年初三还是病倒了.
难道这就是所谓的牛年不利???

2009-01-20T14:40:00.001+08:00

再度拜读了你的最新BLOG文章－ my First gift for 2009

我的感想如下：
人总在失意的时刻，惊觉身边还有关心和支持。
因为缺乏，因为需要，因此珍惜。
所以，人应在最不失意，甚至最得意的时刻，记得给予他人关心和支持，因为角色随时又掉换，这是自然循环，也是因果论。

人就是在这种物换星移的周折，互相关心和扶持之下，体悟前进的价值。

共勉之

文聪

My first gift for 2009

2009-01-18T15:08:00.003+08:00

I got an email from a colleague recently, enquiring if all was well with me. He said he could tell that I looked a tad off-colour.

I was caught unawares by his message, and racked my brains trying to recall our last encounter. It was a few days ago, when we happened to meet on our way out, and I had returned his greeting with what I regarded then as a polite smile. The whole encounter lasted less than 5 seconds. It was of no significance to me.

This colleague and I have known each other since 2002. However, our interactions were all confined to work. Yet, at a time when I was disenchanted with my working environment, it was such a person that showed me concern. He chose to act on something that most of us would have simply disregarded, choosing instead to focus on ourselves.

I am touched and grateful. Although this is only a little gesture, but it meant a lot to me. At least it reminded me that not everyone is only willing to give when there is something to gain.

2009-01-15T20:47:00.000+08:00

倘若有一天我走了, 千万不要难过.

请把我们共同拥有的回忆当作我送给你的礼物.

这也将是我生命最完美的句点.

Dear Friend

2009-01-12T21:03:00.005+08:00

It is not easy being a sister. You must have carried so much on your shoulders, and been forced to gain a maturity beyond your years, from a tender age. But look at him now. He definitely turned out well in the end. You should be proud.

It is not easy being a daughter. So soon, it has become your turn to be caregiver. Perhaps you miss the times when they were the ones in control, and well able to tell you what to do. Why did we resent what is actually a luxury that many yearn for?

It is not easy being a wife. When you thought giving was all that would take to make it work, it failed to turn out as you had expected. Now the time has come when maybe for once you can be taken care of, be the one receiving instead. I really wish you well from the bottom of my heart.

It is not easy being a friend. Maybe sometimes you feel let down, maybe sometimes you feel you have let others down. But I have only one affirmation for you: You are still a great friend regardless, and thanks for being in my life!

Lets stroll into the sunset hand in hand...

2009

2008-12-29T18:14:00.003+08:00

I am still on holiday so whilst the mood is fresh and the feeling is joyous, lets make some new year resolutions!

1) I want to be kinder.
2) I want to eat and sleep well.
3) I want to contemplate exercise.
4) I want a healthier work-life balance.
5) I want to go for regular massages.
6) I want to smile at least three times a day and laugh at least once a day.
7) I want to make my husband proud.
8) I want to make my parents even prouder.
9) I want to cook one meal for my husband before the end of 2009.
10) I want to keep in touch more often with loved ones.

On this note, I want to wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR! May all your wishes/resolutions come true.

Losing Faith

2008-12-03T19:36:00.002+08:00

There have been so many unhappy incidents lately that I am really beginning to wonder if there is ever a rock bottom to hit...after all, isn't there a saying that claims that once you hit that bottom, there is no other way but up?

1) MIL was involved in an accident that has rendered her bedridden for an unknown period of time. The pressures of having to make decisions regarding someone else's life aside, the lack of compassion in today's medical care really leaves a bitter taste in one's mouth. Maybe each person is just a bed space or a statistic to you, but having chosen this profession, should you not sometimes reflect on how you may feel if the tables were turned?

2) An extremely shameless person has returned to inflict her presence on us once again. I have only this to say to you: "Where is your sense of self-worth and shame? Do you really believe you are worth so much? Save your crocodile tears and know that your threats are disregarded. Do what you threatened to do, and bear the consequences yourself. The world is not just about you and you cannot expect things to go always as you want. If you never knew how to cherish before, do not expect another chance just because you have changed your mind. You see...it is not just about your mind...but the minds and emotions of many others as well. Many others who long regard you as past tense, and have no wish to have it any other way."

3) How do you survive in an environment which seems so uncaring? How do you deal with people who begin to appear not as what you have always believed them to be? Is the onus on me to change and accept? Or just to accept and move on? Does morality still exist?

老公的回应

2008-10-16T10:11:00.001+08:00

拜读了你的BLOG，若有所思。。。。。

很欣赏你这般形容：“ 少了自我，不一定换来感激，无私的付出，不一定换来关爱，就这样，迷失了自己生命的意义。”

那位太太，也许认为自己是家庭主妇，因此自觉对社会经济没贡献。

实际上，她是对的。

她只是不明白，其实一个人不需要对社会经济有贡献。
对社会，对经济，甚至对国家有贡献又待怎样？这是每个人一定要有的责任吗？
一个人为所爱努力，已经用了一生。
生命的意义在于爱的信念，其余的建树都是花红。

另外，每天嘻嘻哈哈，花天酒地，又或嗜好广泛，又或广结朋友就是“有趣”的人吗？
这不是有趣，大概是“外向”。

老婆，你当然是好员工，好太太，好女儿，将来还会是好妈妈。
你对各事物有要求，在各个岗位都做到最好，当然终会得到肯定和疼惜。

想告诉你，从来不觉得你“无趣”。
欣赏你，因为你体现了不问回报的爱是一个人最终的推动力。

爱你的老公

文聪

发人深思

2008-10-10T19:40:00.002+08:00

朋友常说我是个无趣的人. 除了工作, 家庭…几乎没有什么消遣.
真的是这样吗?

我不太肯定有意义的生活应该是什么模式. 但我一直认为只要兼顾好工作及家事, 我就能成为一个好员工, 好太太, 好女儿. 身兼数职不就是模范生活吗? 难道会因此成为一个无趣的人?

那天, 我要求病人的太太签宣誓文件来证实她并无收入, 是个全职家庭主妇. 没想到这位太太竟然数落我一番. 她质问我是否认为她是一个没有贡献的人. 她认为我否定了她对家庭的付出. 当下我被这突如其来的 ‘攻击’ 激怒. 我声明自己是为了帮她先生挣获更高的资助而办理规定的paperwork. 她若觉得不需要, 我大可不必费心.

后来想想, 女人真的会因为家庭牺牲自己, 因此而变得缺乏自信与安全感吧. 少了自我, 不一定换来感激. 无私的付出, 不一定换来关爱. 就这样, 迷失了自己生命的意义.

但现阶段的我, 对于朋友眼中看似无趣的生活, 仍有期待. 我希望自己走到尽头的时候, 获得的是肯定与疼惜. 坚持应该就可以做得很好…

放空….

2008-09-13T01:32:00.000+08:00

….是因为无法面对再次的背叛

InSanity

2008-08-26T20:24:00.003+08:00

Am I losing my mind? Or am I just losing my faith?

It can sometimes be so difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the tunnel seems to stretch on and on.

包容？

2008-08-20T22:24:00.002+08:00

如果你真的错了，我也无权说包容。因为我更深地体会到我对你的忽略。
更没有批判你的余地。我充满心疼，心痛你所承受的不为人知的伤痛。

不要在错误中钻牛角尖。让一切成为过去。未来的人生仍需你坚强踏步。

我的关心换来你的感谢。你的感谢唤醒我的情感。

疑

2008-07-28T09:44:00.000+08:00

怎样的婚姻才算美满？怎样的人生才算理想？

幸福

2008-07-27T12:14:00.004+08:00

老公临时接到通知, 说今天得去上班.

每周日, 我们的午餐都由他负责. 原本以为今天的午餐我必须自己想办法解决.

起床时, 老公已经出门. 走到饭厅, 眼前的一幕让我非常感动.

吃着简单的便当, 感受到他无限的爱…

原来爱真的可以很简单!

Here's Telling You Who's Da Boss!

2008-07-12T12:46:00.002+08:00

The picture says it all...

给母亲的信:

2008-07-08T20:16:00.000+08:00

我没有靠近, 是因为害怕自己的眼泪会掉下来, 让您的心情更忐忑不安.

看着您被推进手术室, 那条路, 我跟得很辛苦. 很心疼您为何一次又一次地挨刀. 知道您害怕不仅是因为痛, 更因为您不知道能否再睁开眼看我们. 您身子痛, 但心里肯定更痛!

从手术室被推出来, 您在半清醒的状态下, 毫无掩饰地呻吟, 不停的说好辛苦. 这时候的我把压抑了数个钟头的情绪释放. 摸着您的脸颊, 我的眼泪再也按捺不住. 那时的妳看出有了年纪, 更显脆弱. 真的很想保护您, 想把您的痛, 用泪抹去.

我可以自私地要求您...看在我们不忍心的份上, 不要生病, 健健康康的...好吗?

2008-07-08T20:01:00.000+08:00

如果我们分开, 是因为你先放开了我的手...

2008-06-13T09:00:00.001+08:00

孤独。。。
渐渐习惯它。。。
逐渐喜欢它。。。

Settling

2008-06-06T13:42:00.002+08:00

We are quite comfortable in our new home now. It has been over 2 weeks, and everything is more or less in place. Have pics to share on my Facebook, for those with access. :)

The strain of the past months seem to have gotten to me in a way. My health is affected, and my body is sending me signals to slow down. I am experiencing the detriments of fatigue in a really bad way, but I am sure it will all be over soon. Lesson learnt: There really is no perfection. One does one's best, and whatever should be will be.

If there is a cloud over my head now, I am hoping it will blow over soon. Life should just be starting in a great sort of way for me.

Be forward looking now...

Of Brutality & Body Aches

2008-05-19T23:32:00.003+08:00

I am getting ready to move into my new place. A place where hubby and I will call our home. (:P Feels weird...but this is the first time I have re-addressed my significant other)

I started house-hunting more than a year ago. Then came the wedding preparations. Then it was waiting for T.O.P. Then it was finding the right ID, and lots of reno decisions, furniture shopping etc. etc.

But nothing can beat having to box up all my belongings in preparation for the move. I admit that I have a hoarding streak in me. Loads of stuff that I have never actually touched in years re-surfaced. Yet, I could still look at the object in hand and wonder if I may need it in the future. In the end, I had to close my eyes and drop it into the garbage bag. Believe me, it was not easy. I had to throw out 10 pairs of shoes, 3 bags of clothes, and lots more of goodness knows what. Not forgetting, photos holding incriminating evidence to various forgettable (my heart says unforgettable) stages of my life.
Letting go is never easy...I had the opportunity to experience that again in a mild sort of way.

Then we had to clean our new place to rid it of all the renovation dust and dirt. That took us 6 solid hours. I am still a few days away from moving and having to unpack, but I am already discovering muscles on me that I never knew existed (read: massive body aches).
I am seriously craving a neck, shoulder and foot massage.

To top it all off, I broke the nail on my little toe. If you know me well enough, you will know what a great calamity that is. All activities came to a halt, as I desperately tried to salvage whatever was left of my little nail. Hubby came to the rescue by repeatedly going "Are you ok dear? How is the toe? Oh dear...you poor thing."

Holding on...just a few more days...then it will be unpacking and prettying up my new home. And then I can head off for my massage and mani/pedi to restore myself.

无题

2008-04-14T22:12:00.000+08:00

我不爱拍照。但每当翻看着旧照片总是有许多感触。温馨掺拌着伤感掺拌着怀念。。。心情虽复杂，但又无法自拔地渴望追回过往的一切情景，心情，感触。

有些人我只能在照片中逐寻。庆幸身边还有很多让我珍惜与把握的人。

Ramblings...

2008-03-31T18:59:00.002+08:00

Someone said to me "It's better to live life doing something than nothing at all".

Thing is...I may think I am doing something...but what am I really doing??

Conclusion: There is nothing more tiresome than the feeling of fatigue. It gets you down physically, mentally and emotionally. This is what I term as 'drainage'.

Footnote: Thanks to Mas S, my 'sweeping tomb' exercise took double the time that it usually would. Not forgetting the pain of being stuck in stationary traffic. But really...was it maybe cos' he was gonna take part in this annual CHINESE tradition, or was it cos' someone may smuggle him in their car boot and possible bury him alive?? To top it off, if you were to make a wrong turn, you have to exit to the main road, and start queuing ALL OVER AGAIN for security checks. Thing is, we are not residents there, how to not get lost?? The NS boy who checked us the first time happened to see us again in our second attempt to enter...he went "Eh?" And I could not help but giggle "Yeah! (Hokkien) Kua4 dio4 gui4!"

What have I been up to?

2008-03-28T14:45:00.002+08:00

I have been busy lately with furniture shopping. We finally got the keys to our home, and are now at the stage of doing up the place, and filling it up with furniture.

I got to say....furniture shopping is a lot of hard work but even greater fun! As my 'home' slowly fills up, my satisfaction increases. I am looking forward to the day when I will be able to post pictures of my new home up here.

In retrospect, I am also counting down to the day I really leave my parents 'embrace' and look after my own household. I am ready for the responsibilities, but do feel a sense of loss. People may say Singapore is small, but not being under the same roof does make a difference to family life.

At work, things are not that rosy at the moment. But I am telling myself not to lose focus and not to get over-involved. Most importantly, I am telling myself not to lose faith in fellow humans. Everyone has to have a heart, isn't it?

First Down Time

2008-02-23T17:37:00.002+08:00

I had my first bad week of 2008/Rat year.

Work was a bad case of having to firefight for others' over-promising and under-achieving. It serves to prove only one thing...being up there is definitely not an indication of supercilious ability. It is merely a confirmation that you will surely have more heads to send for slaughter at your disposal.

Then there were health scares for two important people in my life. Out of respect for their privacy, I cannot divulge more. Health is something so precious yet so taken for granted. I pray and I cross all my fingers that this cloud will soon cease to loom over our heads, and that all will end up well.

I still want to be positive. Let this be the only bad week of my 2008/Rat year!

Comfort Zone

2008-02-17T20:56:00.002+08:00

Everyone should have such a privilege.

There are some places in the world, where we will always fit in...kind of like a baby within a mother's embrace.

Sometimes we take time out. But eventually, when we choose to return, it will still be our comfort zone.

When you were not around, you were missed. When you return, you are welcomed back with open arms.

Lets strive to keep this comfort zone a constant in our lives.

待嫁

2008-01-28T13:53:00.000+08:00

时间过得真快。筹备一年的婚礼如今已进入一个星期的倒数。

我现在的心情很复杂。有时充满了期待，有时充满焦虑，有时甚至倍感压力。
人生本就有必经阶段。但过得如何，仍必须靠自己，靠运气。

我坚信自己的选择无错，但不知道为什么，还是会缺乏一定能胜任的信心。深怕让任何人失望。这层顾虑甚至超越了自己想要得到幸福的欲望。原来人真的很难只为自己而活。我所作的每一个决定都对心爱的人照成一定的影响。在此，我只能忠心希望仅是影响而已而并非困扰。

我不知道嫁为人妇的我应该在心境上有怎样的调整。更不知道日后的生活会否难适应。结婚的意义何在？婚姻的定义又是什么？

但千万别误会。我没有打退堂鼓的意思。纯粹是抒发些情感。

虽然有很多未知素，但我还是会走下去，继续在不完美中寻求完美！

2008

2008-01-06T17:46:00.000+08:00

Presenting my delayed entry to 'usher' in the New Year.

Bangkok was a welcome break. We did nothing other than eat, sleep, and shop. So totally my kind of holiday. lol
It would have been perfect if the air could be a whole lot cleaner. My significant other was so caught up in 'shopping mode' that he actually declared we should do this at least once every year to stock up. (HeHe!)

As 2008 descends, so does my 'big day'. I am looking towards it a whole lot more calmly, and can even manage a fair bit of excitement. On this note, I must point out that whilst my gal-pal, Juliana, was away on her 2 weeks break to Australia, I suffered the worst anxiety attack ever. She was not around to reassure me or tell me that everything is under control. I started missing her badly from X'mas, and it escalated as New Year approached. I held back from sending her panic messages...cos' she deserved the holiday more than anything...but gal, i missed you!

I have no resolution for 2008. Racked my brains, but came up with nothing. I only wish that things go as they should, and all's well that ends well. One can never have too many desires in life, as they often lead to disappointments. If I must make a resolution, then I resolve to keep both my feet firmly planted on the ground, and to always have my priorities right.

Here's wishing my devoted readers/friends a very blissful year ahead!